An Australian Lovechild of the 1970’s, born to young parents forced to do the “right thing” in a small country town.
My teenage parents had the relentless pressure of being parents & bread winners; instead of being the life of the party at college.
My connection to my parents was intermittent due to post parental depression, lifestyle resentment & financial hardships.
My Grandparents & Uncles helped raise me & keep me safe.
I idolized my Pop. This man was my torch bearer of strength & determination. His family escaped Germany in WWII as a boy & he never spoke of it again. They changed their last name when they got to Australia. He then traveled through out Australia with his eldest brother & fell in love in a small town with an older woman. He didn’t ever say much, hated his picture being taken, listened religiously to the news & he never really showed any emotions. But to me he was amazing. I never saw him cry, but I cried for weeks when he died of a heart attack, when I was 20 years old.
My Nan & I had a beautiful relationship. I was the first girl born into the clan & we had a special connection. To her, I was “the girl they had always wanted” after having 4 boys of her own; this sparked my soul to hers. She protected me, stood up for me & loved me unconditionally. She was a large happy woman, that had her children in her late 30’s, that led a simple tight purse strings life with her family being the apple of her eye. I will be forever grateful that I had her in my life & it was an incredibly heartbreaking day when she died when I was 23.
My Nanna taught me pure grit & to never give up. She was a widow raising 3 children at the age of 40. My mum’s father was killed in a tree felling accident when she was only six months old. My Nanna raised her children with the constant fear of welfare taking her children or having to give them away. She desperately wanted them to have a better life & to get them out of the circle of lack, but she was determined to keep them together. She worked hard with hands & heart bleeding, picking grapes & general farm work in an orchard in an attempt to save her family. She was my lesson of “don’t let ’em break ya”. My biggest heartache for her (apart from her whole struggle) was that she was taken from her home, that she had worked so hard to keep & put into a nursing home; She then lost her brilliant mind & it horrified me. She died when I was 25.
I was sent to boarding school when I was 15, due to home life being volatile. I was there for a year & I can honestly say I can’t even remember really being there, it was that traumatic. I then went to Sydney to live with my Uncle. Only thing was my Uncle was never there. I lived like Cinderella with my Uncles Disabled Defacto, waiting for someone (anyone) to rescue me.
After a year of living in Sydney I returned to my Grandparents broken. I lived with them, regained my strength & fell head over heals with an older knight in shining amour (or so I thought). We married after a whirl wind romance, we were together for a couple of years until he had an affair with my then best friend.
My 20’s was the hardest & most confusing. I lost my 3 loves (my grandparents), was left by a couple of heart breakers. So far my Love life was a crazy mix of negatives not positives; so that’s how I viewed it.
Battle scared I started dating a very persistent man, that I am happy to say has persevered with me for the past 20 years. We struggled to have children; IVF for 5 years & then I met my teachers of unconditional love, our 2 boys.
I have been searching all my life for someone to love me. I have been on a journey of emotional healing for the past 3 years. I have learned so much from external sources. As you can see I pinned everything to a perceived story of Lack & made love about everyone else. It was all I ever new, it was all I was ever taught. You teach what you most need to learn. I need to learn Love. As you can see I was off to a pretty rough start. The start was rough because I did not realize that love is an inside job & until you can love yourself & forgive, you will miss out on the most incredible experience life has to offer, love & happiness.
It was only recently that I realized that I had all the tools I just needed to use them on myself. I believe in miracles & we are all individual miracles, we just have to believe in ourselves, live mindfully & live in love not fear.
Trust me when I tell you that learning to love yourself is the most important life lesson you can teach yourself & your children, so get to it!